


Brave New Worlds

by Sashataakheru



Category: The Chaser RPF
Genre: Coming Out, Community: lgbtfest, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-06
Updated: 2010-01-06
Packaged: 2017-10-05 21:17:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a lifetime of hiding, lying, denying what he really is. The love clutching his heart is demanding to be realised. But will coming out ruin everything and just make him more miserable, or will it be the thing that finally brings him the happiness he's been searching for his whole life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for lgbtfest 2008
> 
> Prompt: #659. RPF - The Chaser: Chris Taylor. There have been rumours for years about him being gay, in spite of his best efforts to cover his trail. When and why and to whom does he finally decide to out himself, and how does the rest of the group react?

I always knew I was gay, even if I never told anyone. I learnt very quickly that I shouldn't tell anyone. I'd be even more of a disappointment than I'd end up being, or at least that was the impression I got as a kid. I was never all that butch, I always preferred more intellectual pursuits than anything, and private schooling did me no favours. I had my fair share of beatings, as if it proved anything other than that I was different. I suppose some people are right in calling me pretentious. It's not like I'm a completely pathetic human being. There are times where I wonder if the pretentiousness is a front for my fears of being outed. Maybe I was just born this way.

The problem with being gay is that it ruins everything. I was always too scared to come out, so the few chances I did have slipped me by, so I was forced to lie all the time and pretend I actually cared about the girls I went out with. I sometimes wondered if I'd left it too late, that if I somehow found the strength to come out that it'd be too late and I might as well go kill myself, or hide away in a cave.

The fear was always there, preventing me from saying anything. No one will approve. It'll be too hard to come out and not be disowned by everyone I care about. My life will be over. The arguments run around in your head like unabating white noise, always whispering away and fuelling the fear in my heart. I can't win. I can't silence their voices. In time you start to listen to them, which only makes you even more imprisoned in your own skin than before.

Is it usual to think the worst about such scenarios? Or is it that the horror stories are the most powerful and the most disturbing and those have taken precedence over the happy stories where children are embraced by their parents and their friends and work colleagues and they never have any problems ever again?

I try and avoid the negativity and the stories of kids being disowned and kicked out of home and bashed and killed and left for dead, but it's hard when it seems to be so common. Indeed, some feel the need to wallow in the mistreatment and the victim mentality, as if vying for peoples' pity will make things better. I'm not sure I buy that tactic anymore, and all it does is create fear in those still hiding away, making the outside world seem like the most dangerous place. I won't deny there is still prejudice, but surely a few positive stories and a positive mindset wouldn't hurt their cause. Deciding to come out is seen as even more daunting when faced with such a negative atmosphere.

I'm getting older every day. The more success I have, the less I wanted to come out to avoid totally ruining my life. I know some have come out lately and not had any backlash for it, but it's a risk I wasn't sure I want to take, even though it meant playing straight to varying degrees of success. I kept asking myself how much longer I could do this, play this charade, before I went mad.

I was surprised no one had picked it already, though to be fair, there had been talk for years, suspicion and rumour and chatter about my sexuality. It disturbed me. I'd laugh it off and pretend it didn't affect me, but it did. Constant suspicion makes one paranoid, and I got paranoid about being outed, even if I never showed it. One takes the mockery in one's stride, and hides the pain away. I suppose I may have done myself a disservice with Andrew and some of the sketches we did together, though. Trying to shake people's perceptions of you as gay are not helped by doing Brokeback Mountain sketches, or, as Craig put it, writing sketches where I get to go into really secretive places with Andrew. This is why I don't do DVD commentary.

I perhaps should've been more careful if I didn't want to arouse people's suspicions. A comedy sketch is apparently no safe disguise. I thought I could hide there, but I fear that's backfired on me. People are far more perceptive than I've previously given them credit for.

It was that that made me decide to come out at last. Living with unrequited love, when you see your soul mate every day, grates on you like nothing else. In the end, I just couldn't stand the longing any more. I needed Andrew too badly to wait any longer. That I'd broken up with yet another girl a few weeks beforehand, which Andrew insisted on comforting me about, also had a lot to do with it. I didn't have the heart to tell him I wasn't upset because of her. It was because I couldn't have him. He knew there was something else troubling me though. I danced around the issue, pretending it was someone else I really wanted. I ended up in tears, his arms around me, sitting on his couch wishing so very much that the Universe would see fit to give me Andrew to make all the misery end.

I went home the next day and knew I couldn't hide any more. My feelings for Andrew were getting too strong, and I couldn't cope with it any longer. I spent that evening alone in bed, terrified of losing everything, but knowing I had no other choice. If I wanted Andrew, silently asking the Universe to give him to me wouldn't work. I'd have to stand up and be a man and fight for him, even if it didn't work in the end. I had to come out. A small part of me was quite convinced that none of them would mind, but that fear returned with a vengeance, and it took a long time to get over it. It's still with me now. I'm not sure it'll ever leave.

* * *

I thought long and hard about who should be the first person I told. As much as I wanted Andrew, the very thought of telling him first terrified me. I needed a practice run first. In the end, though my mate Chris would've been the logical choice being openly gay himself, I decided on Craig. For some reason, I felt he was the only one I could trust with this, since the other half of the issue was Andrew. I set a date two weeks away and spent the time worrying over what I should do. I couldn't just invite him over for dinner. That would be too formal, and make me even more nervous than I knew I already would be. Should I just invite him over for drinks? Maybe I should tell him why I want him to come over, that I have something important to tell him. He needs to know I'm serious at any rate.

Two days before, having not had any better ideas, I called him up and asked him to come over, that I needed him. I knew he'd respond to that. We knew each other well enough to know that that would be enough to tell him that what I wanted was serious. I'd only pulled it on him a few times, but it was enough. He always responded when I told him I needed him. Perhaps he just really felt sorry for me. Maybe I'm just that pathetic.

That night, he came over -- he insisted, because apparently I sounded quite upset and needy and he couldn't wait two days, and I shat myself with nerves. I'd had a beer or two beforehand, quite possibly drunk too quickly, but the nerves all came back when I opened the door to him. He pulled me into a hug. He must've guessed I was nervous, drunk, or both.

It was after I'd grabbed us drinks and we were sitting on my bed together that things turned to why I'd asked him over. It was true that outside of work, we usually didn't spend much time together, but I needed Craig right then, and I don't think I'd have been able to tell anyone else first off.

"So, there was something you wanted to tell me?" he said, as if knowing I needed prodding.

I took a swig of beer before speaking. I might as well just out and say it, otherwise I'll pussyfoot around the issue all night and never actually say it. "'Craig, I'm gay, and I'm in love with Andrew." I inhaled as I watched his face, waiting for his reaction. I figured I'd tell him everything. He'd help me work out what to do.

"Oh, is that all? Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I kinda guessed when I was watching you mauling Andrew before, you know? I figured there was something going on there. Does Andrew know?" Craig said, and I was surprised at how okay he was with it. He reached over and grabbed my hand, as if it was the only gesture he could think of to do.

"No, no he doesn't. Or at least, I don't think he does. He hasn't said anything. I never told him because I didn't want it ruining things between us," I said.

"Hmm, I can understand that I suppose. Are you going to tell him?" Craig said.

"Maybe. I'm scared he'll hate me though. You don't know how hard it is being in love with him and never being able to fulfil that love. But he's straight, so what chance do I have with him anyway?" I said.

"Oh, I wouldn't write him off yet. You haven't even told him. You don't know how he's going to react until you get off your arse and tell him," Craig said. "And don't be scared of rejection. You should know us all well enough by now. Do any of us strike you as homophobic enough to reject you outright because you're gay?"

"No, but – I could lose everything. My job, my career, my friends, family, everything. Coming out is not an easy decision to make. You don't understand just how much effort is going into telling you. I've hidden it for so long, you know? I even tried to deny it at times as well. That didn't make me any happier. I was hoping you guys wouldn't have any problems with it, but there's always that niggling feeling that the shit's going to hit the fan and you'll be rejected and lose everything. It's a fear that's very hard to ignore," I said.

Of all the things Craig could've done to show me he didn't care, what he did then was hug me, the same as he always did, as if nothing had changed. I've seen it happen before, how after you come out to your friends, they pull away and don't know how to react to you, as if touching you is suddenly inappropriate and might turn them gay, or God forbid, somehow make you aroused, as if gay men are immediately turned on simply by touching other men. It's an unfortunate myth that takes some breaking. Guys aren't that affectionate in the first place. Coming out only distances them further, and that was something I was keen to avoid.

"Silly boy, you know full well we'd never reject you. You know we've got gay friends, so why should you think we'd have an issue with it?" Craig said.

"I dunno, maybe, I haven't exactly been very good at playing straight, you know. I was afraid you'd think I'd crossed the line somewhere," I said.

"Chris, we'd have told you if you were being too gay with us. Besides, it's all in the context of the show. If you'd hit on me in other circumstances, I'd have a different take on things. It's not like we're not all effeminate nerds anyway, so you don't exactly stand out," Craig said.

"I was never going to tell you this, but I may have crushed on you once. You're a very beautiful man, Craig, which I'm sure you well know, and if circumstances were different, and you were in a position to be interested, I might've been brave enough to buy you a drink one night. But things being as they are, I kept my distance. You were always unattainable. I didn't want to ruin your life. I'm not so completely heartless that I'd try and steal you away from your wife like some perverted teenage fangirl. I'm well aware of boundaries, Craig, and I always try my hardest not to cross them," I said.

"I'm both flattered and weirded out by that, Chris, but I trust you. You might be a pathetic human being, but I trust you. I just hope coming out brings you some happiness. I do worry about your mental state sometimes. It'd be good to see you happy and not living alone anymore," Craig said.

"I do get lonely sometimes, much as I hate to admit it. It's hard living the life you don't want to lead. Girls are nice, but there's just no desire there, you know?" I said.

"Not really, but I can guess. I won't tell anyone, not unless you say so, okay?" Craig said.

"Thanks. I'm not even sure if this is the right time, but there's no going back now. I can't keep pretending to be straight anymore," I said.

"You don't have to come out to everyone at once. One person at a time, yes?" Craig said.

"Yeah, one at a time. Should I tell Andrew next? Or leave him til last?" I said, unsure how soon I wanted to have to face up to my feelings for him.

"Up to you, mate. If you feel better telling him last, tell him last. But it might be worth considering that he might feel hurt, being the last to know, especially when you go and lump your feelings for him on top of that. Be careful not to simply overwhelm him with this," Craig said.

"I've run through the whole scenario in my head so many times it feels like I've already done it. I don't know how best to approach him. Should I even tell him at all? Or would it just ruin things completely? I don't want this to be the issue that drives us apart. I love you guys, but if this is going to do more harm than good, I might as well shut up now," I said.

"Only Andrew can give you his answer. Maybe you should tell him next. If it's going to cause trouble, you need to get this over with sooner rather than later. Do you need me for moral support, or will you be fine on your own?" Craig said.

"Please, I'd rather do this alone. At least with Andrew. I need to handle it carefully, and there are some things I need to say to him that are for his ears only. I hope you understand," I said.

"It's okay, it was just an offer. You do what you need to do," Craig said. "And hey, whatever happens, I've got your back, okay? You need me for anything, you give me a call and I'll be there."

"Thanks," was all I could say. I smiled at him, grateful for his friendship.

He pulled me into another hug then. I hugged him back. I wanted to cry. I wonder if he noticed.

"Don't worry. You'll be alright, Chris," he murmured to me.

I just held him tight. I never wanted that moment to end.

* * *

I approached Andrew a few days later, filled with panic. I had no idea how he was going to react. I wasn't just telling him I was gay, I was also admitting I loved him, and I didn't know how he'd react to that. I knew he was straight, or at least he never gave me any indicators to think otherwise. Why would he return my feelings? I didn't like my chances, but Craig had been right. I needed to tell him, otherwise it would continue to eat into our relationship, and I loved him too much to let him go like that.

It was a Saturday. I wanted a day that wouldn't be busy, but as I was trying to explain why I wanted him to come over, he invited me round for dinner instead. I was nervous about that prospect, but it would have to do if I wanted to talk to him. Besides, there was something about his house I found really peaceful. Perhaps that would help settle me.

It was after dinner when we were sitting around drinking beer that I had my chance. I wasn't as nervous as I'd anticipated, though I think the beer probably had something to do with that. I stared at my feet, unsure how to begin.

"Andrew…"

"Something you want to tell me?"

I cringed at his tone that suggested he knew already. Maybe he didn't, but his tone suggested otherwise. "I wanted to tell you something, yes, and I'm not sure how you're going to take it, so please don't judge me, I just-"

"Settle down, Chris. It can't be that bad, can it?"

I sighed and tried to steady my nerves. "Andrew, I'm gay-"

"And this is a problem because?"

"Will you stop interrupting? This is really difficult for me to do, and I just need time to-"

"Sorry, I'll be quiet now. Continue."

"What I was trying to say was that… I'm gay… and I'm in love with you. And I didn't mean to, I don't even know how it happened, and I don't want to scare you or anything, because this is so hard to say, because I don't know how you're going to react and I'm scared this will ruin things between us. I'd hate to see this come between us. I'm sorry, Andrew. I don't know why it-"

"Shh. It's alright, Chris. Settle down. You'll do a much better job when you're not talking at a thousand miles an hour. Now, take a deep breath and calm down. You'll need to do a better job than that to frighten me away," Andrew said.

He cupped my cheek then and just looked into my eyes. I wanted to cry. How pathetic. He wasn't angry, or hurt, or anything really. But there was something in his eyes that broke me. "I'm in love with you, and I don't know why, and I don't know what to do because I don't want to lose you," I said.

"You love me? Well, I must applaud your good taste for once then," Andrew said with a smirk.

"Andrew, please," I started.

"Chris, tell me. What do you want me to say? 'Oh my God, I've been waiting forever for you. Come to me, my love!' It doesn't always work like that. It must've been hard to admit it though, and I am glad you did. I did suspect, you know. You're not exactly subtle, Chris," Andrew said.

"I don't know what I expected. Every time I went over this in my head, the response changed and got even more extreme. But I thought you should know, and then leave it in your hands. I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship. That was what I was most scared of. Losing you and scaring you away and never seeing you again," I said, turning away from him.

"Come on, cheer up, Chris. I'm not angry with you. You're allowed to love someone, you know," Andrew said.

"Even you?"

"Even me."

"I'm not sure I ever want to know if you love me back. The knowledge would kill me," I said.

"You'd deny yourself happiness?" Andrew said, almost amused.

"I've been denying myself happiness all my life. What more is this to a lifetime of misery?" I was quite possibly sounding more despondent than I had intended. I wasn't trying to guilt trip him at all, and I hoped he wasn't reacting to me because of that. I didn't want to manipulate a relationship out of him. I might be a jerk, but you don't go coercing relationships, no matter how much you want them. He means too much to me to do that to him.

"I didn't realise you were so upset, Chris. Surely there's more to your life than sadness," Andrew said.

"Not really. I mean, I try and be happy, but there are times when the loneliness just closes in and engulfs me," I admitted.

"I wish I could help. I don't like seeing you so miserable," Andrew said.

"If you were my ideal Andrew, I'd spend the rest of my life with you, and that would be all I'd need to be happy. But I can't expect you to return my feelings, so I won't say anything more of them. I'm sure I'll find someone else to spend my life with," I said.

"Look, Chris, if I could honestly say I loved you, I would. As it stands, I'm still trying to work out if I'm capable of falling in love with another man. You have to understand that this is totally new territory for me, and yes, it scares me. It scares me shitless. I don't want to commit to you if it turns out I can't love you the way you want me to love you. That would hurt you too much; I know that pain all too well and I don't want to put you through what I went through. Give me time, okay? Some of the things we've done… I need to sort out how I felt about that. Until you started, I had quite forgotten I even had any attraction to men at all. I'd pushed it to the back of my mind as I was happy enough with women. But now, I need to know if I'm really gay, or if it's just you. Because I still love women. But you're messing with my head and I don't like it. Well, I do, but I don't. I'm sorry. I hope you understand. I don't love you right now, but I might in the future. That's the best I can do right now," Andrew said.

I was both elated and crushed by his answer. There was hope, but I was probably stupid to expect him to immediately fall to his knees and proclaim his love for me as soon as I confessed. It was better than outright rejection, at any rate. "It's okay. I didn't expect you to confess your unbounding love for me anyway. I just didn't want to ruin our friendship this way, that's all."

"Please, I'm not that much of a jerk, Taylor," Andrew said, stifling a laugh.

I remained silent for a while, unsure what to do next. I stared at the ground and Andrew looked everywhere but at me.

"So, where do we go from here?" I said, speaking at last.

Andrew turned to face me. "Kiss me. I want to know if things will be different when we're here alone than at work filming."

I wanted to reply, but something told me not to. I cupped his cheek and kissed him. I didn't rush, much as I was excited and nervous. I could tell he was nervous too. It wasn't the greatest kiss ever, but we got more confident the longer we kissed. He pulled away slowly, and I could see the conflict in his eyes. He took my hand loosely. Perhaps he was scared I was going to jump him or something.

"Are you alright, Andrew?" I said.

"I shouldn't like it, but I do. What do I do? I don't know what to do because you're confusing me and I wish it would stop so I could just be… not confused again," he said after a moment's thought.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to confuse you. I probably shouldn't have said anything. Christ, I was afraid of this. Forget I said anything. I'm just causing trouble," I said, backing off as fast as I could.

He grabbed my shoulders and forced our eyes to meet. "You keep misunderstanding me. This is something I've been curious about for a while now. And you know when we made out in front of them all, in the face of Craig's sneering disgust? We both know what we felt then. It's just… I've never felt this attracted to a guy before. I don't know how to reconcile this. I'm not gay, you know? So why do you bring out the same arousal in me that girls do?"

"I wish I had an answer, Hansen. I don't know why I fell for you any more than I know why you're attracted to me. There's just… It's you, Andrew. You're just amazing. And I could wax lyrical about it like some lovesick puppy, but I won't. I love you for who you are. Maybe it's the same for you. That's the best answer I can give you," I said.

"I'm a skinny, weedy little bloke. Why should I fall for you of all people?" Andrew said.

"How should I know? Maybe it's me you're falling for, not the fact that I'm a guy," I suggested.

"So I should ignore the fact that you're a fat hairy animal and just concentrate on your flawed personality, then?"

"If that's what it takes, yes. If you want to explore this with me, we'll go as fast as you want. It's not like I'm all that experienced either. I've never had a relationship with a guy before, so this is all new for me too. But I'll let you go if you decide you can't do this. I'd hate to make you unhappy," I said.

"Oh, so you've… you've never…" He wanted to say it, but he hesitated.

"Fucked guys? No, never. Had anal? A few times, but only with girls. I've never been brave enough to hook up with guys. Too scared of being outed," I said.

"Oh, cos some of your friends are gay, aren't they?" Andrew said.

"I can't go to the places they go. They'd find out for sure," I said.

"Well then. We'll just have to take things slowly. I'm scared, but maybe we can make this work," he said.

"I'm scared too, but yes. Maybe we can," I said, not willing to commit to anything else.

"So, are you coming out to everyone now? Or am I just the lucky one who gets to know?" Andrew said.

"Only you and Craig know at the moment. I don't know why I told him first. My gut said I could trust him. He told me to tell you next, actually. I was going to leave you til last. I was terrified of messing up. He also said I shouldn't burden you with everything all at once. I don't think I achieved that, did I?" I said.

"No, not really, but I'm glad you told me. It means a lot, you know? I hope you'll be less miserable now. I hate seeing you so upset. I've seen the loneliness in your eyes, you know. You never mention it, but I can see it. You've spent a lot of your life being lonely, haven't you?" Andrew said.

"When you know you're different, but can't tell anyone, it tears you up inside. You pull away from everyone. It's so hard to pretend you're interested in a girl for very long before you just have to run away and hide again. I just can't sustain fake desire forever. If any of them ever twigged, they never said anything, though. I-"

"Don't worry about it, alright? We'll see if we can make anything of this, hey? Kiss me again?" he said.

I smiled and let him kiss me, pulling him close as we kissed.

Charles came home then. I'd forgotten he was staying with Andrew. Those two are almost inseparable. I freaked out. I still don't know why. I saw him come into the lounge, smiling at us, out of the corner of my eye. It was enough to stop our kissing. He had some shopping bags with him. He'd been buying some groceries. Before he could even say hello, I'd panicked and run out of the house, embarrassed at being caught kissing Andrew.

I ran down the street and sunk to the ground by a wall. I wanted to die. I cried, hoping the road would open up and swallow me. I don't know how much time passed before Andrew found me though. He lifted my head up and stared into my eyes. I don't think I could've looked any more pathetic if I'd tried.

"Hey, are you alright? Look, don't worry about it. Charles isn't upset, I'm not upset. Come back, love. It'll be alright, I promise," Andrew said.

"I never got a chance to tell him. I wanted to come out on my own terms, not be outed like that. Christ, I'm so embarrassed. Maybe I should go home," I said.

"Don't go home. Come back and tell Charles. I didn't tell him anything, alright? I wanted to make sure you were okay, and this is something I think you need to tell him, not me," Andrew said.

"I forgot he was staying with you. He's not going to be mad, is he? That I love you?" I said.

"Why would he be mad about that? We're best mates, Chris. Unless he secretly harbours feelings for me too, then he has no reason to be jealous of us. You're under no obligation to tell him about us if you don't want to, but he did see us kissing, so perhaps he does deserve to know about that," Andrew said.

"Maybe he does. I don't know. I'm not sure about anything anymore," I said.

Andrew kissed me then. I almost fought him, but his touch was comforting. "Come back inside, love. It's getting cold."

I nodded and let him pull me to my feet. With his arm around my waist, he led me back to his house. Charles was watching TV and having a beer. He didn't seem to be worried. Andrew sat me down next to him and left us alone. Perhaps he thought I'd appreciate a moment alone to tell him.

"Didn't know I was that scary, Taylor. You alright?" Charles said.

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine. Look, you weren't supposed to see that, I-"

"Do I look worried? So you love Hansen. It's not like it wasn't obvious. Just look after him, okay? If you ever hurt him, you're in big trouble," Charles said.

If I needed any further indication of how close Charles and Andrew were, that was it. I knew Charles wasn't kidding, either. I'd be in for it if I ever hurt Andrew. You don't go messing with Charles like that. And it wasn't even that Andrew needed protecting, Charles was just incredibly loyal and protective of him. I learnt that very quickly. I almost regret missing their uni years together, but I was otherwise occupied and in another state. Sometimes I still feel like I don't belong because of that, but it's a feeling that never lasts longer than a fleeting moment now.

"How have you been around enough to notice that?" I said.

"Chris, you're as subtle as a bull in a china shop. Everyone knows. You're terrible at hiding your affections. Next time, try harder. No one will be surprised to hear you've hooked up at last. It was only a matter of time," Charles said.

"Well, that'll make the job easier won't it?" I said with a sigh.

"And what do you mean by that?" Charles said, though I had a sneaking suspicion he already knew.

"I'm gay, but you've probably figured that out already. Just… It's time I came out and said it, instead of pretending to be something I'm not," I said. Perhaps I'd gain confidence the more times I said it.

"Yeah, see, I thought you might be. I did wonder, the first time we met. Nice to have it finally confirmed. I did wonder why you were so shit at relationships," Charles said.

"Well, I might still be shit at relationships, but at least I won't have to pretend to be interested in women anymore," I said.

"Yes, I'm sure that will help immensely. Now, are we done here? What say we drink some beer and watch movies all night?" Charles said.

"Um, yeah, that might be nice." It was lame, I know, but I could think of little else to say.

"Go get loverboy and grab some beer, then," Charles said, handing me his empty bottle.

I was still not used to his carefree attitude to it all. It shouldn't be this simple, should it? Shouldn't there be someone who freaks out and never talks to you again? Maybe, for once in my life, I have the best friends I could ever hope for.

I took his bottle, dropped it in the kitchen and went to find Andrew. He was in his room, reading on his bed. He looked up as I entered and smiled at me.

"Everything alright?" Andrew said.

"Yeah, yeah, Charles wants to get pissed and watch movies all night. He took the news better than I had thought he would. You coming?" I said.

"How bout you get him some beer and come back here for a while? Then we'll go watch movies," Andrew said.

I caught his real intention clearly. With a knowing nod, I left him to get Charles some beer. "Back soon, love," I said as I departed.

Once Charles had been dealt with, I returned to Andrew's room, seeing him lounging on his bed, waiting for me. I smiled as I entered and closed the door, walking towards him.

I must admit I had never planned for this point. I never expected it would happen. Truly, I'd have been happy enough to lie there and just be together. I think I was just as scared of intimacy as he was. I slid onto his bed, wondering how far we'd go. I lay there looking at him as he turned and looked at me. It was quiet. It was as if it was just us and the Universe present. Nothing else existed.

"I'm glad you came back," Andrew said.

"I'm glad you don't hate me," I said.

"See, people think I'm emo, but I've got nothing on you, Tayls," Andrew said with a laugh.

"I've spent too long being unloved. I can't even remember what first attracted me to you. You're special, Andrew. Charles said I wasn't allowed to hurt you or I'd be in trouble," I said, smiling.

"Yeah, Charles is good like that. He's gotten me through some tough times, he has. I often wonder if I'd still be here if it wasn't for his friendship," Andrew said.

"Be glad you are here. He's a great friend. You're lucky to have him," I said.

"Yeah. Gotta love Charles," Andrew said.

"It was like getting permission to date you from your parents. Can't go near you without his blessings," I said.

"He can be a bit overprotective at times, yes. It's one of his endearing qualities. He's stubbornly loyal. I love having him back in the country. I really did miss him while he was away," Andrew said.

"We noticed, Andrew," I said.

"Was it that obvious?" Andrew said, blushing despite himself.

"Saw it in your eyes. It was obvious there even if it wasn't anywhere else," I said. "You really love him, don't you?"

"Best mate in the whole entire world," Andrew said dreamily.

I smiled. Their bond was obvious to everyone. I don't like my chances of coming between them, nor am I sure I want to. But Andrew's managed to have girlfriends before and Charles is married, and they're still mates. Yet I can't help but worry what impact any eventual relationship we have will do to their friendship. I have to tread carefully here. I don't want them to break apart because Andrew and I are together.

"So, what happens now?" I said, unsure how to proceed.

"Well, for a start, you could kiss me and see where that leads," Andrew offered.

"I think I can manage that," I said.

It was a slow kiss, warm and wet and curious. It was definitely different to the other times we'd kissed. It was just us, as we were, and nothing else mattered. We moved closer together, our bodies touching, and the sudden warmth was intoxicating. My hands moved cautiously, not wanting to scare him. His fingers moved tentatively up my side. I avoided going anywhere near his groin in case he wasn't comfortable with that just yet.

Turned out he was braver than I. He was the one who touched me first. I was too distracted by his kissing to be able to watch those beautiful fingers of his unzip my jeans and slip inside. But we stopped kissing as he experimented, and I watched him then. I think he may have been shocked by how turned on I was. He lay me on my back and slipped my jeans down my thighs. And then he lay beside me, propped up on one arm, and began stroking me, studying my face closely. He was so slow and gentle. I watched those fingers attentively. I loved the way they curled around me so elegantly. There was nothing dirty about what he was doing. It was exquisite.

I couldn't help reaching a hand over to squeeze him through his jeans, pressing my palm against what I could tell was a growing erection. Soon he was whimpering and begging me to touch him. I've never seen a man undress faster, actually. His desire was obvious, but whether it would lead to love, I didn't know. But soon after that we were both naked and he was straddling me, grinding against me as he kissed me.

We'd never done this naked before. Anything we'd done in the past had always been while we were still clothed, and rushed. We had privacy now and all the time in the world. Perhaps that was why he was feeling braver. He was pinning me to the bed, actually, as if he was suddenly in charge. I didn't tell him how much that turned me on either.

In spite of his desire, he wasn't ready for sex, and neither was I, really. A part of my mind wanted to fuck him so badly, but I could tell I'd be pushing things too far if I tried to coerce him into it, so I settled with kissing, grinding and stroking his dick. Either way, we got each other off.

* * *

He lay there in my arms afterwards, smelling of heat, sweat and sex. A shower before bed was Andrew's suggestion. We managed to sneak out without alerting Charles, and just stayed there under the hot water in each other's arms. That was all that mattered right then, just being together. He leant his head against my shoulder, and I ran my fingers through his wet hair. He was the most precious thing in the world to me right then, fragile and innocent and special and beautiful and all those other sappy things. I would die for him.

We didn't speak. We had nothing to say. It was surreal, really. He was still uncertain, but he seemed to trust me, and that responsibility was mind-blowing. I could not have imagined a more perfect series of events if I'd tried.

It took me a while to realise Andrew was crying. There was too much water and he wasn't making it obvious. I lifted his chin up and looked at him, wondering if I'd done something horribly wrong.

"Hey, what's wrong? Was it something I did?" I said, scared I'd gone too far.

"N-No, nothing like that. I just…" He sniffled and smiled. "I didn't know this would ever feel so perfect. Thank you. For everything."

"I never expected this to happen, either. Thank you for not hating me and running away. Losing you would kill me," I said.

He stared into my eyes then, as if he was trying to work out what I was thinking. "You really do love me as much as Charles does, don't you?" He said after a moment's thought, as if he'd just realised it.

"I do, yeah," I said.

"Well then. I am a lucky boy, aren't I, to have you two looking after me," he said and smiled.

"You are, yeah," I said.

"Tell me. What would you have done if I'd rejected you?"

"I'd have been upset, sure, but I'd have accepted it. I can't make you love me, and I wouldn't dare try. If you can't do that, I'll let you go and find someone else."

"You're so masculine. Girls don't feel like this."

"I am a man, Andrew. It's not that surprising."

"I bet I feel like a girl to you though." He looked down, as if ashamed somehow.

"You don't. You feel like a man, like I always thought you would. You're beautiful, Andrew."

He blushed then, and I had to smile. He was all shy now. It was rather adorable.

"You're allowed to be scared and nervous, Hansen. I can tell you I'm just as scared as you are," I said.

"I…"

I pulled him into a hug again and held him tight. We were both at the start of a path we'd never walked down before. We had every right to be fucking terrified. But at that moment, in that shower, having him in my arms, we were safe from the world and its dangers.

* * *

We went back to his room eventually. On the way, we peered in at Charles to find him slumped on the couch, asleep, TV showing nothing but snow. Silently, we cleared away the bottles, turned the TV off and gently placed a blanket over his still figure. Then we crept back to Andrew's room and curled up under the covers together.

I woke to find our fingers entwined and bright morning sunshine caressing his beautiful body. I gently kissed his forehead and lay beside him, closing my eyes and going back to sleep, unable to remember the last time I was this happy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris enters a scary world of relationships and intimacy that he's never experienced before, while trying to pull together the courage to come out to his family and to the world at large.

Three down, three to go. I always thought I'd be more confident once I had Andrew, but that wasn't the case. We'd agreed to keep our explorations secret until we decided to become a couple officially, if we got there at all. I had argued that since Craig and Charles already knew, it might not be fair to not tell Jules, Chas and Dom, but Andrew felt it better to leave it until we had something concrete. Andrew needed time to work out if he could love me, and he didn't think it fair to anyone to present ourselves as a couple in love when he wasn't sure he could give me that. In the end, I had to admit he had a point. But then Charles had guessed where my affections lay, and if it was true that everyone knew, why bother not mentioning it? It was half the reason I was coming out in the first place.

Chas was overjoyed. So was Jules, actually. I found them together one afternoon and told them, making sure to close the door so we weren't disturbed. I wasn't ready for this to spread like wildfire. I wanted as much control over it as possible. I was nervous, telling them both at once, and at work, but I wasn't sure when else I'd get a chance to tell them.

I was in no fit state to notice how close they were. Chas was an affectionate sort anyway, so him being affectionate with Jules was nothing special. I think I was almost used to it, though how I failed to notice their relationship is anyone's guess. They're less subtle than me, and that's saying something.

Julian looked up at me, and Chas contented himself with snuggling into his arms. "So, what's all this about then?" Julian said.

"Well, it's been a very long time coming, but I wanted to tell you that I'm gay. Like, seriously. This revelation may or may not surprise you," I said.

"About bloody time, Tayls. It wasn't that much of a secret, you know," Chas said.

"Yeah, I'm realising that," I said, still annoyed at my inability to keep it a secret.

"So, you hooked up with Andrew then? Cos that was bloody obvious as well. I mean, really, you couldn't have looked any more lovesick if you'd tried," Chas said.

"Um, yeah, sort of. We're… We're not really out like that yet," I said, not sure I was comfortable talking about it.

"Oh, right. Well, you let us know when we can taunt you for taking so long to get together, okay?" Chas said.

"Chas, be nice. This is clearly not easy for him," Julian said.

Chas had the decency to look apologetic as Julian told him off. "Sorry, Chris. You know I was just joking, yeah?"

"Yeah, I know. It's okay," I said.

"Look, if it makes you happy, it's fine by me, okay? And if I catch you watching gay porn, you deserve all the mocking I can throw at you," Chas said.

"Yes, I was afraid of that. Good thing I don't have any gay porn, isn't it?" I said.

"Don't tempt me like that. I bet you've got a stash of cowboy porn hidden behind all those pretentious books of yours," Chas said.

"Seriously, have you seen his house Chas? There are so many books there, there's no room for porn, cowboy or otherwise," Julian said.

"Way to spoil my fun, Jules. I'm just teasing him. He does have a porn collection though. Craig said he knew where it was," Chas said.

"Then Craig's a filthy liar," I said.

"Am I now? What have I done this time?" Craig said, opening the door and poking his head in. "And you guys are needed for something. Dom sent me to fetch you."

"I'll talk to you later, Craig. What's Dom wanting anyway?" I said.

"Dunno, something about the Trojan horse or something. I wasn't really listening," Craig said.

"Right. Well, better not keep him waiting," I said.

I followed Craig out and looked back to see Jules and Chas following me. We found Dom waiting for us, Andrew perched on the table next to him. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him, and I was amused and shocked to realise it happened. I'm such a nutcase. I hoped no one noticed. Andrew saw me and smiled. It conveyed so much to me, that smile. I almost wanted to reach across the table and grab him into a hug, but I restrained myself.

"So what's this all about, Dommy?" Jules said.

"We've been invited to march at Mardi Gras this year with the Trojan horse. The horse is going anyway, but I was asked to see if any of you guys wanted to go as well," Dom said.

"Well, that is convenient, Taylor," Craig said, giving me a quick look.

"Have I missed something?" Dom said.

"Our little Chrissy here has just come out, haven't you, love?" Craig said, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

I winced, not happy that Craig had spoiled my chance to tell Dom myself. But he was bound to find out eventually.

"Oh, right. No one's surprised, Chris. So, want to go to Pride then?" Dom said.

"Um, I don't know. Do you guys want to go? They'll want us as Trojan soldiers, won't they?" I said.

"Well, we'd be accompanying the horse, so yes, Trojan soldiers it is. Anyone up for it?" Dom said.

"Could be fun. I've always wanted an excuse to march," Chas said.

"You just want to run around dressed in a tiny leather outfit," Julian said.

"Is that a crime, Jules? Besides, you know you loved it last time I wore it," Chas said. Everyone saw the look Chas gave him and had some idea of what they'd gotten up to. As I said, they're less subtle than me, and I really should've worked out they were together far sooner than I did. Perhaps it was my sheer obsession with Andrew that blinded me to what was really going on.

"I'll go. No one wants to look at ugly soldiers," Craig said.

"Are you trying to pretend like you'll be the prettiest thing out there? Your vanity knows no end, Reuy," Andrew said. "And I'm probably going to freeze to death out there, but if you're all going, I'll go too."

"Chris? You coming?" Craig said.

I looked at them, trying to read their expressions. "Yeah, might as well, since you're all going. Just don't make this weird for me okay? You guys are the only ones I'm out to at the moment, so don't go telling anyone just yet, alright?"

"Our lips are sealed, Chris. We won't tell until you say so, will we?" Andrew said, pointedly looking at Craig.

"What? Why are you giving me that look, Andrew? I'm not going to tell. Chris knows that," he said, and indeed I did.

"Well, you could've let him tell Dom on his own terms, Craig," Andrew said.

"Well, yes, but I wasn't the only one who thought the timing was amusing, was I?" Craig said.

"It did all fall together like that, didn't it? Still, you didn't have to say anything, Craig," Andrew said.

"Andrew, it's okay, it was going to come out eventually. Craig didn't mean anything by it, did you?" I said, trying to diffuse the tension.

"If you want us to bugger off and let you and Dom talk things over, by all means, just say so," Craig said.

"What's there to talk about? You're gay. So what?" Dom said.

"You people astound me. Coming out isn't supposed to be this easy," I said.

"No, you just have the right people around you who don't give a shit," Craig said.

"I know I'm going to lose a few friends though. Not you guys, but others who probably won't take it quite as well as you have," I said.

"If they can't hack it, they weren't good mates to begin with. And they should probably get out of Sydney. You're better off without them," Chas said.

"Yeah, most probably. Still, I hate that it's such a divisive thing. It shouldn't have to be, but it is," I said.

"That's cos society's a cunt, Taylor," Chas said.

I just burst out laughing at that, as did everyone else.

"What? How was that funny?" Chas said.

"Chas, you're adorable," Jules said.

They all pulled me into a group hug then. I really was lucky to have them as friends. Andrew ended up in my arms as they hugged me. I wasn't going to kiss him, but Andrew wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me. I was a little embarrassed, I had to admit. I don't know why he did it, but I'm glad he did. I suppose it diffused any remaining tension, and made our relationship real for the others to see, that it wasn't just talk.

* * *

After we'd all agreed to go to Pride, we all went off again. I thought about talking to Dom, but he made it clear that wasn't necessary, so I went to talk to Craig instead. I still wanted to tell him off for being an annoying prick. I grabbed his arm as we left and pulled him aside into a nearby room.

"Something wrong, Chris?" Craig said as I shoved him back, closing the door behind me.

"Must you be such a prick, Reucassel? Was there any reason for that? Also, how do you know where my porn is and why did you see fit to tell Chas about it?" Yes, because a string of questions is always the best way to approach these things.

"Hey, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean it. I thought Dom already knew. How was I supposed to know you hadn't gotten around to telling him yet?" he said.

"You should've just kept your mouth shut, but no, you can't help yourself, can you?" I said.

"Chris, mate, I'm sorry, okay? I'll keep my mouth shut next time, alright?" he said.

"Look, is it too much to ask for a bit of discretion, please? I'm doing this one step at a time, and it's hard enough without having to worry about when you're going to blurt it out for all to hear, so just don't, alright?" I said.

"Chris, seriously, calm the fuck down. I'm sorry, okay? I won't do that again. I just thought the timing was more than coincidental, that's all," he said.

"You still didn't have to say anything, you know," I said.

"Well, yes, that is true. I'm sorry. Is there anything I do to make up for it?" he said.

"Just think before you speak, alright? Assume they don't know unless I say otherwise. That was what we agreed to when I first told you, wasn't it?" I said.

"Yes, it was. And I've stuck to it, Chris. I just assumed you'd told him already, that's all," he said.

"Don't assume anything, alright? You guys are the only ones I've told so far. Assume anyone else doesn't know, and doesn't need to know," I said.

"Alright, alright, I get the point. You can stop repeating yourself now," he said. "What else were you pissed at me for?"

"Chas said that you'd told him you knew where my porn collection was. Was he lying?" I said.

"Come on, Chris, you think I'm being honest there? Why would I go searching for your porn collection in the first place, let alone tell Chas I knew where it was?" he said.

"Because it's you, Reucassel, and it's something you'd do. Christ knows you've been over to my place enough times," I said.

"So I just have to be at your place for you to suddenly accuse me of looking for your porn? The only reason I'd do that would be to mock you mercilessly about it," he said.

"You're not helping your case here," I said.

"Okay, I may have had a quick look once when you were showering, but that's it. I didn't find anything. Must've been looking in the wrong place," he said.

"So why tell Chas that?"

"Because we all know you love porn? I mean, seriously, Chris, why does this even matter? Even if I did know, I didn't tell him. I just pretended I knew."

"I'm sorry, I'm just really paranoid right now, okay?"

"Chris, I'm not treating you any differently now you've come out. Stop being a fragile little snowflake and grow some balls."

I turned away from him, not willing to admit he was right. I did have a reason to be touchy, but I did trust them, didn't I? Craig coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my shoulders brought me out of my thoughts.

"Look, I know this isn't easy, but you shouldn't be so terrified. We've all got your back, alright? You could take my mocking before, so why is it suddenly different now?" he said.

"I don't know, I suppose I'm just more sensitive to it than I used to be," I said eventually.

"Why? What is it achieving? You had a thick enough skin before. I thought coming out was supposed to make you more confident or something," he said.

"Because coming out can go horribly wrong, and I'm terrified of it going bad. I still haven't told my family. I'm not sure I even want to. I'm already a disappointment. Adding this to the mix won't help," I said.

"Look, whatever happens, you've still got us. We're not going anywhere, Chris. It'll take more than coming out to get rid of us, you know," he said.

"I know, and I'm grateful for it. I really do appreciate it," I said.

"Now, have you got anything else to bitch about while we're here?" he said.

"No, not at the moment," I said.

"Good. Go find Andrew then. I've held you up long enough," he said, releasing me.

I should've known he'd know I'd want to go find Andrew after that. I watched him go, smiling as he went. Craig was an insufferable prick, but he was a good mate, and he deserved my trust. But everything was so chaotic then and I spent all this time wondering if I hadn't made the biggest mistake of my life, but it was too late to take it back now so I would just have to suck it up and deal with the consequences.

* * *

That night down the pub was fantastic. I don't think we'd ever been so close before. They all got protective. It was only after a few beers that I felt Andrew grab my hand as we sat around drinking and talking. I looked at him and he smiled at me, lifting my hand and kissing the back of it lightly.

Some drunken moron spotted it and saw fit to tell us to get the fuck out of the pub, and threw in a few 'faggots', 'fucks' and other colourful language as alcohol dictated. The others were on their feet immediately and told him to fuck off, shoving him away from our table.

Thankfully, he was kicked out soon after anyway, but it did shake us, and it was a while before Andrew and I would be so casual in public again. But I loved how Chas, Craig, Jules and Dom got to their feet and were prepared to defend us. That's when you know you've got real friends, when they prove they've got your back in a fight.

* * *

Those next few weeks were weird, now that everyone knew. Or at least those guys knew. I still had to tell my family, and my other friends. I was shitting myself over that. Sure, they might have suspected, but then I had to get off my arse and actually tell them, and it's harder than it looks. You can tell they suddenly see you differently. I'd end up losing a few friends over it. Homophobic cunts. Both Andrew and Chas said it was all for the best, that I'm better off without them anyway. I know they're right, but it still hurts to have people you once thought were good friends get angry and never talk to you again, all because you tell them you're gay.

It's funny. When you come out, a small part of you expects the whole world will change at your revelation, so when life seems to continue as normal, it's almost disappointing. Not that I minded. True to their word, the others didn't tell anyone, which I was grateful for. Andrew and I were careful not to let anyone know we were together yet, though we still argued as to whether we were actually together or if we were still exploring. It didn't matter when we were in bed together and he was sleeping in my arms.

* * *

Andrew and I spent many long nights together at my place. Sometimes, we'd make out, but sometimes, we'd just lie together and talk for hours. Very quickly, Andrew established his dominance. I'm still trying to work out how he knew that's what I needed. There was nothing kinky, not at first. But he was always in charge, and for that I was grateful. We taught each other things as we explored. Intimacy was something we both needed to get used to, and what we both liked and disliked. It took some time before we both felt ready for sex, but we both agreed that sex wasn't essential in making a relationship, a relationship, so we felt no rush to get to that stage. Pleasure comes in many forms, and there's nothing more perfect than simply being with the one you love, alone, with nothing to do but just be. Andrew and I do share the tendency to over think things, which make for excellent conversation.

That first time we had sex was magical, as clichéd as it sounds. We hadn't planned it that way, it just happened. We'd been watching a movie at my place, though after about half an hour or so, we'd stopped paying attention. It was Andrew who pulled me over to the bed, as it happened. He'd learnt a lot since that first night we spent together. It was Andrew who pressed the lube and a condom into my hand and asked me to teach him how to fuck.

"I'm ready. Teach me. Fuck me. Make me yours," he said as he straddled my hips.

"Are you sure? I mean, I don't want to rush you or anything," I said.

"I'm sure," he said.

"Alright. You'd better not tense up on me. It'll hurt if you're not relaxed," I said.

"I trust you. It'll be alright." He cupped my face and kissed me then.

"Well, first up, it's much more fun to play around first, loosen you up so you're ready. I hope that's acceptable," I said.

"I never say no to playing around, you know that," he said as he leant down and bit my neck.

"Oh, I know that very well, Andrew," I said.

He kissed me then and murmured into my neck. His hands were all over me. It was… divine. In spite of the instinct to rush, things went slowly. Every sensation was felt to its maximum, and returned gratefully.

Andrew didn't take charge of me, perhaps because of what he wanted me to do. It was strange, considering how quickly he'd taken charge before. I was left with him in my care as I prepared him as best I could manage, having never done this with a guy before. All I had was fleeting experience with girls. But it didn't seem to matter in the end. We'd been experimenting with anal play for a while before anyway. I didn't want him to totally freak out if we ever got to sex and there was my cock about to push inside him.

I was going to lie him on his stomach, but he wanted to face me instead. He needed my reassurance, needed to see my face. I was touched by that. He needn't have worried. I'd never have hurt him. I was terrified of hurting him, which may have made me overcompensate with the lube somewhat, but better too much than too little.

Thankfully, he didn't tense up. It wouldn't have happened otherwise. Perhaps it was my teasing that kept him relaxed enough to go through with it. Christ, I shouldn't say it like that. It makes it seem like such a chore, and it was nothing like that. It was beautiful. I went as fast as he was happy with, stroking his cock to make sure he was okay and to take his mind off any discomfort. I was surprised at how quickly he relaxed into it though. He was soon encouraging me to go faster, moaning with need in a manner I've never heard him use since.

I surprised myself, actually. I hadn't quite expected fucking a guy would feel so right, even with someone as girly as Andrew. It was similar to the times I'd fucked girls like this, but so much more arousing. The sounds Andrew made when I hit his prostate were music to my ears. I don't know if he had any idea what it would feel like. I'd never stuck anything more than my fingers up his arse before, which aren't exactly the same as having a cock up your arse.

And when he came, his body tense with pleasure, I felt a huge sense of relief. I'd have hated to have gone to all that trouble and then not get him off and have him hate it. While we both knew sex wouldn't be the be-all and end-all of our relationship, and never wanted it to be, I think we both knew that if neither of us enjoyed it, we'd feel less of a couple. Which seems like a cop-out, I know. He never said as much, but I think he'd feel like he was failing me if he didn't enjoy it. He was the one exploring this side of him, whereas I knew what I was.

I curled up beside him afterwards, kissing him and caressing his hot skin, hoping he was okay. I hoped I hadn't hurt him. But he looked at me with a blissed out smile and took my hand in his.

"Wow. Thank you. At the moment, I don't care what I am if you keep fucking me like that," he murmured, his breathing still slowing down.

"That's good. I hope I didn't hurt you. I was trying to be as gentle as I could," I murmured back, pressing a kiss to his temple.

"You did fine. More than fine. It felt weird at first, but that soon passed. How did it feel for you?"

"Fucking incredible." That was as coherent as I was getting.

"So when do I get to fuck you?"

"Whenever you like, if you think you're ready for that." I was a little surprised at his eagerness.

"Well, you showed me how it's done. And since you've never had a cock up your arse, I think it's time you did."

I may have whimpered at the thought of Andrew fucking me. He was taking control again; I could hear it in his voice. His confidence in bed with me had grown the more we experimented, and he was a fast learner.

"I'll take that sad whimpering as a yes. Now, wait there and close your eyes. I have something for you."

I shut my eyes obediently and felt him clamber off the bed. I don't know where he went, but he soon returned and knelt next to me.

"Sit up and kneel, hands on your thighs."

His command made me jump, but I did as he said. Even then I was subbing to him without realising it. I felt him approach me and wrap something around my neck and buckling it up. It felt like a dog collar. How the fucking hell did he know?

He crept behind me and wrapped his arms around my chest possessively. "All mine. You'll never get rid of me now," he growled into my ear, and I had to admit, I shivered and cried out with need. He was pushing all the right buttons now.

"Open your eyes, love. I'm gonna fuck you like the slave that you are."

I opened my eyes. I surrendered. He took my wrists and cuffed them. He'd obviously brought some toys with him without telling me. He cuffed my hands behind my back and pushed me head-first into the bed. This new expression of his dominance excited me. I squirmed under his touch as he prepared me with a mixture of confidence and curiosity. He soon had me whimpering with need again, begging him with my pathetic cries to fuck me. I think I wanted it too much to need much loosening up.

I couldn't have imagined the pleasure that would come from him slowly pushing inside me that first time. I managed to drag myself out of my pleasure long enough to guide him when he needed it. He was uncertain and hesitant, but my coaxing soon got him over that and he was moving with confidence again. He propped me up on my knees a little so he could reach underneath and stroke my cock in time to his thrusting.

I was his, and I didn't care. Every thrust was better than the last. Part of me realised that my arousal stemmed not just from being fucked by a guy, but by being fucked by Andrew. I knew it was him, could feel his hands grasping me, and that was all I needed. Andrew was all I'd ever need.

Afterwards, we lay in each other's arms, not speaking, just being. He whispered to me words I had waited so very long to hear from him.

"I love you, Chris. I can finally say it and mean it. I never thought I was capable of it, but you've shown me a side of me I never knew existed. Thank you."

I couldn't think of an answer. I squeezed his hand and kissed his forehead before looking at him again. It was the best I could do. Words seemed meaningless.

"Chris? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I just never expected you to say that. I can't believe you said it. Do you really mean it?"

"I do. I love you. The past few weeks have been crazy, but I wouldn't change them for the world. Thank you."

"You're fucking amazing. I can't believe it. It's like some fairy tale. No way is this real."

"It's real. I love you. I'm going to keep saying it until you believe it."

He cupped my face and kissed me, and I could hardly believe how lucky I was. I brought him into my arms and held him tight. I never wanted to let him go.

"So does this make us a couple now?" I said as he settled down next to me, his head resting on my chest.

"I suppose it does," he said.

"Christ, Andrew, I'm the luckiest guy in the world. A small part of me always worried that you couldn't love me and that after months of experimenting, you'd leave me. Things are not supposed to be this simple, are they? Where's the angst? Where's the pain and hurt from driving close friends away? It's almost as if the universe is lulling me into a false sense of security before it pounds me into the ground with a giant tsunami. The calm before the storm. Christ, I'm terrified."

Andrew took my hand in his and locked our fingers together. "I'm scared too, you know. I've never done this before. I don't know what it's like to have a relationship with another man. I don't even know if this makes me gay or not, or if I even care. 'Hi, I'm Andrew. I used to be straight.' 'So what are you now?' 'I've got no fucking idea.' I envy your certainty. You know you're gay. I'm a straight guy in love with another man. If I could look at women and not want them, I could be happy, but I still notice them and still want to chase after them. I don't know how to justify my attraction to you in that light."

"There are such things as bisexuals, you know. Maybe that's what you are," I offered somewhat hopefully. Maybe he'd be happier when he had a name for his sexuality.

"Maybe. Makes about as much sense as everything else in my life. I never told anyone about my attraction to men. It was my guilty little secret. As long as nothing happened, and I had a girlfriend I adored, I could forget completely, and I did forget. Drunken kisses at parties were forgotten. A flash of arousal from seeing someone I admired were dismissed without consideration. And then you fucking came along and changed all that. You made it harder to forget. You were the reason I started questioning in the first place. You made me remember all that attraction I'd forgotten. It's not easy to grow up knowing you like both men and women. You feel forced to choose. Either you're gay or you're straight, nothing in between. So I picked straight, as it meant I got beaten up less."

"And you're much better at playing straight than I am. I failed miserably. At least you like girls. I had to pretend I did, and that's incredibly difficult to sustain. I can't build a long-term relationship on that, which is why I kept running away. I hope it'll be different between us."

"I hope so too."

He sighed and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. He appeared lost in thought, and I didn't dare interrupt the silence.

"Bisexual, hey? I never knew that was possible, but strangely, it makes sense. Certainly explains a lot. I hope you're okay with me still being attracted to women."

"I'll just have to be okay with it. I can't make you change that. Hell, I don't even understand how you can be attracted to them. What is it you like about women anyway?"

"They're beautiful, Chris. The way they move, the way they smell, the way they look, just… everything about them." Andrew was off in dream land again. I could tell by his voice.

"But they can also be vicious creatures who can break a man completely?" I said, and almost immediately regretted it, seeing the way Andrew cringed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"No, no, it's okay. I don't fall to pieces about that anymore. But that's love. Love fucking hurts as much as we crave its presence, and I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Sorry. I'm never quite sure if I'm allowed to bring it up. You don't talk about it much so…"

He turned to face me and grabbed my hands in his. "Chris, it's alright. It was years ago. I'm much better now than I was back then. I don't talk about it much as there's not much to talk about. I'm not that fucking fragile, Chris. I don't need to be wrapped in cotton wool. You need to see past that in order to really know me, Chris."

"I'm sorry. I suppose this is just one of the obstacles we need to traverse in order to have a relationship," I said. I smiled at him.

"Being lovers requires being naked, Chris. I hope there's nothing you're hiding from me," he said and gave me a curious look.

"Oh, are we lovers now? If we're a couple, does that mean we should tell the others?" I said.

Andrew shifted and rolled onto his stomach to face me. He rested his chin on his arms. "I want us to wait a while. Let's tell them at Pride. I want you to kiss me during the parade for all to see. Can you do that?"

"I'll be scared shitless, but I could manage that. Why do you want to wait til Pride?"

"So it'll be special. So they and the whole world will know."

"Well, if you're sure, we'll wait til Pride. Thank you. For the collar."

"I know what you need. I understand you. But enough of this. Let's go get cleaned up and snuggle in bed together." He smiled at me and that was impossible to refuse.

"Sure. Come on. Then I can sex you up some more before bed."

He leaned in and kissed me before pulling me out of bed. He'd become quite the tease, he had, and often insisted on showering together. He loved the intimacy, as did I. More often than not, we'd simply hold each other and enjoy the hot water.

* * *

A few weeks before Pride, I decided to tell my family. Andrew came with me, against my better judgement. I knew this had the potential to go bad, though how bad I didn't know, and I didn't want Andrew there to witness the fallout, but he insisted on coming. As soon as we entered, I very much wished he hadn't come at all. It went better than I had expected, though, but I still felt like a failure. My brother was married and getting his family started, and what was I doing? Fucking around with one of my best mates.

Yeah, I shouldn't have expected their sympathy and undying love. They didn't disown me at least, but they could've been more supportive. They were unnecessarily harsh to Andrew, I thought. He didn't deserve their scorn. I tried to send him away so he didn't have to witness it, but he stayed like the stubborn prick that he is.

I'm not going to recall that afternoon. Best forgotten, really. They made it clear I'd still get a Christmas invitation, but they also made it absolutely clear Andrew wasn't welcome, and that it would be in my best interests to get over this little phase and find myself a wife.

I think mum's in denial. She keeps trying to set me up with all the single girls she can find, as if somehow that will make everything better. I think I know what I'm putting on my gravestone. Chris Taylor: Constant Disappointment To All. That just about sums me up.

* * *

Andrew needed less reassuring after that than I had anticipated. I hadn't wanted him to come because I didn't want him to get hurt. Perhaps I see him as more fragile than he really is. I took him home and we went to lick our wounds. I think I was actually more cut up about it than he was. I'd been half-rejected by my parents. He'd just been insulted. If I'd been a stronger person, I'd have taken it in my stride and vowed to be proud of our relationship, but I'm not. I wallowed in disappointment instead. I broke down and bawled my stupid eyes out. Andrew did his best to cheer me up. Being rejected by your parents will do that to you.

"What do I have to do to make them love me, Andrew?" I was curled up on my bed in tears, wishing I were dead.

"Hey, they still love you, Chris. They don't hate you."

"They don't … like me being gay. But I can't be who they want me to be. I'm never going to get married to some woman and give them all these grandchildren. It just won't happen. It's not some phase I'm going to grow out of. It's the way I am. I'm gay. I'm never going to settle down with a wife. Why can't they just accept me just the way I am?"

"I wish I could answer that. Parents are… strange things. You grow up expecting them to just love you unconditionally, but when you find out that's not the case, it hurts. It hurts more than any other pain you'll ever feel in your life. But you learn to live with it if you want a relationship with them. I blamed myself for years. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't man enough. I was a fucking disappointment. But it gets you nowhere, Chris. Nowhere at all. Be thankful they still want to see you and make do with that for now. Give them time to get used to it. You've turned up unannounced with your boyfriend to tell them you're gay. Do you really expect them to simply accept it instantly?" Andrew was rubbing my back gently.

"Yes, well, no, I don't know. I just thought they were better than that, you know? I didn't think they'd be that close-minded about it," I said.

"Just leave it a while and then go see them again. Maybe if they see you can make a stable relationship work and that you're happy, they'll be more accepting."

"How can you say that after what they said to you in there? I told you not to come with me."

"Please, you needed me there. I'm not that precious, Chris. I don't fall to pieces just because someone insults me. I've dealt with far worse than that, believe me. Come here. It'll be alright," he said as he lifted me into his arms.

I just clutched onto him, sobbing pathetically against his chest. I suppose the tsunami had finally crashed onto me. I had been waiting for it, as if it would somehow validate what I was going through, and now that I had arrived, I wished it had never happened. Andrew said nothing more, but held me in his arms until I'd calmed down.

* * *

We talked no more of it after that, not until after Pride. I was curious to know if they'd see me or not. I wanted them to see me kiss Andrew. I wanted them to see it and accept me and our relationship. It was a long shot, I know, and probably wishful thinking, but I had to hope.

I met the others for drinks before the march. I needed to steel my nerves. We were already in our Trojan soldiers costumes, which must have looked hilarious as we're downing a pint or two in the pub. I was glad we were separated somewhat from the rest of the crowd, as I wanted to tell them about Andrew and I without being overheard. Craig beat me to it though, the bastard.

"So, you and Andrew. Can we taunt you for finally getting together yet? I've got some great lines I've been saving up and I'd hate to waste them," Craig said as he sipped his drink.

"He's my bitch. What more can I say?" Andrew said as he gave me a sideways glance and a smirk.

"Oh, I see you get to wear the pants, hey, Andrew? Really, Chris, I didn't think you were quite that pathetic," Craig said.

"Andrew likes to think he wears the pants, but in reality, it's a mini skirt and he's my bitch," I said, the best I could come up with at short notice.

"Sure he is. If he's the bitch, why are you the one with the collar?" Craig said, tugging on the collar with a finger. I silently cursed Andrew's insistence that I wear it, even though it looked quite out of place with what I was wearing.

"Just leave it, Craig. It's none of your business," I snapped, once again letting Craig get to me.

"Jesus, you are touchy tonight. I did warn you I wouldn't be treating you any differently now that you're out. Stop getting defensive and just deal with it like you always do," Craig said.

"Yeah, who were you calling precious last night? I think we know who the princess is," Andrew said, gently elbowing me in the ribs.

I may have blushed with embarrassment then. I certainly wasn't comfortable with how things were going. I hated that I let it affect me so much. Perhaps they sensed my discomfort and Chas changed the subject, much to my relief. Andrew reached down and grabbed my hand. I turned to see him mouth an apology to me. I managed a weak smile in return.

* * *

We'd had a few drinks by the time we had to clamber inside the Trojan horse. I was in a much better mood, no thanks to Andrew dragging me aside and half-molesting me in some dark corner of the pub. A little teasing was what I needed to get over some of my fears, though the alcohol was doing a good job of that as well.

Then I was being pulled into the bowels of the wooden horse. I hadn't been sure if all six of us would fit inside it, and indeed, we only barely managed it. Jules said it was probably a good thing we weren't going to be in there for long. We'd spent the week beforehand practicing getting in and out so we weren't struck with panic on the night. Dom and Jules insisted, and I had no qualms with that. Better to get it right than mess it up and look like idiots.

I did notice the sniggering from a certain Craig Reucassel as we were all squished in there together. I was pressed in between Andrew and Jules. If I'd been able to move my arms, I'd have reached over and smacked Craig across the face.

"Nervous, Taylor?" Craig said.

"A little," I admitted.

"We'll be fine. It's not like you have to go out there and proclaim you're out. You're just a marauding Trojan for the moment. Anything else is up to you," Craig said.

"Well, since you mentioned it, Andrew did have something planned for us," I said.

"Ooh, you saucy minx. What, are you going to lead him around by that collar he's wearing?" Craig said.

"Sadly, we would fit in with the leather crowd dressed like this, but no, that's not what I had in mind," Andrew said.

"Are you gonna tell us what you had in mind, or just leave us to guess?" Craig said.

"I want him to kiss me during the march. I wanted to wait til tonight to tell you all we're together but Craig beat me to it, you cunt," Andrew said.

"Sorry. Though to be fair, it's not like it wasn't obvious to just about everyone. We could all see how into each other you were. I think you fell for him long before you were conscious of it, Andrew," Craig said.

"Yeah? Well, when I fall, I fall hard. I can't help it," Andrew said with a grin.

"Just don't break him, Chris. We don't want our Andrew being all broken again," Craig warned.

"Don't worry, Charles has already covered that," I said.

"He did, yeah. Chris is going to be in very deep shit if he hurts me," Andrew said.

"Yeah, I'm really not willing to test Charles' loyalty that way," I said.

"Wise man, Taylor. Now, we all know how we're getting out, yes? So we all don't look like idiots?" Craig said, changing the subject as the horse begins to move.

"Yes, we all know. We've had it drilled into us all week, alright?" Chas said.

"Hey, I was just checking, alright?" Craig said.

"Just pay attention to when they want us to storm out," I said.

And, lo, there was silence before Craig gave the signal and we all clambered out of the Trojan horse and onto the street, running around in character as we enjoyed the atmosphere. Looking around, I was shocked at how many people were there. I mean, I knew it always drew huge crowds, but I suppose I'd never quite realised it until I'd seen it for myself. I was suddenly very nervous about what Andrew wanted me to do. We weren't really dancing at all. We were simply terrorising people as we were, having first jumped out of the Trojan horse at the beginning of the parade, as you do. It was great fun, I had to admit that. Chas and Jules spent more time chasing each other than anyone else. Craig and Dom were marauding Trojans, Craig taking great pleasure in posing for the crowds and scaring any kids he happened to find.

The noise was amazing. There was music blaring all over the place, and the atmosphere was rather optimistic. I could hardly hear myself think, not that it mattered. I almost lost myself in the character I was playing, like I wasn't myself any more. It felt wonderful.

It wasn't til halfway through the march that Andrew took my hand as we half-ran along in front of the Trojan horse. He looked at me and smiled, and we slowed to a walk. We were barefoot, and running on bitumen in bare feet is not fun. My feet would need a lot of care at the end of the night. He stopped me for a moment as the Trojan horse passed us by and took my hands in his.

"Now?" I asked, knowing why we'd stopped.

"Now. Please," Andrew said, almost sounding like he was begging me.

"You got it, love. Kiss away," I said.

There was a moment of hesitation before he leaned in and kissed me. He let my fingers slip free and I reached up and cupped his face as we kissed. For a moment, I could forget my fears, my worries, and just live in the moment.

It was a beautiful kiss, slow and sweet. Andrew was out to prove our relationship to the world, and I didn't want to stop him. Fuck being scared. I was the one who deepened the kiss, wanting to prove this wasn't just a kiss between friends, but a kiss between lovers.

We still didn't kiss for long, though. It was enough for people to notice, though. I heard their cheering. When we pulled apart, all I saw was the look of sheer happiness on his face as he took my hand and started walking again. I followed him. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Craig watching and smiling at us. We walked the rest of the way holding hands, unwilling to let go.


End file.
